A Happy New Year

2018 is a new year and I welcome it with all that I am. 2017 found me at a serious crossroads. The last few years had been utter chaos. The kind of thing that breaks a person down to the slightest molecules of being, where you exist merely because you are expected to and there is nothing else to do. Between 2014 and 2016, I lost seven - SEVEN - dear friends. Some of the oldest friends that I have, in many senses. That is enough to break a person on it's own. I almost lost another friend who means the world to me. Add to that finally getting some kind of answers on my son's disability and learning the scope of what that means. And then the "expected" - complications with home life, finances, all the regular stuff. During that time, I also went from part time to full time graveyard shift at my job. Stress, mental exhaustion, and lack of sleep lead to the gaining of 4 sizes and a number pounds that I don't like to think about. Needless to say, by the end of 2016, I was a hot mess.

A figurative - and sadly literal - depiction of my life over the last few years. A trash heap.

So in rolls 2017. I did the typical "set resolutions" game that most people do. And I tried to maintain it. I made a few costumes, I went to a few events. I threw myself into hosting the lolita group's Easter meetup and playing games. I even tried to work out some. But I found myself crashing and burning just as fast, if not faster. To the point that attending conventions and meets was a chore and an obligation, rather than something that I love to do. Don't get me wrong - these ARE things I love to do - but all of a sudden, that wasn't the reason I was doing them. I found myself appearing at cons because "I made a promise and they expect me to be there." I retreated back into the shadows on the lolita group that I technically run, and stopped doing things for other groups altogether. I kind of snapped and stopped caring and wanted to walk away from it all. I took my first vacation time ever from my job and disappeared for the better part of a month. And then came back for about 2-3 weeks and then left again for 2 weeks. I seriously considered throwing it away and not coming back, but again my sense of obligation took over. The year started out with such promise, but by April it had all but fizzled out and was a distant dream. What had gone wrong?

A river of change, coming in to wash away the negativity. Oh, and my house.

Now I know. The latter half of 2017 brought massive changes. Things that I had absolutely no control over. We got hit by Hurricane Harvey and lost our house. We lived in a hotel for a month and a half. We lost most of what we had and the stability of a decade in the same place. I had to back out of events that I had been planning for months, and missed the majority of a ren faire season for the first time in 10 years. The place of employment that I have known for 4 years got bought out with no warning, making me a new hire once again instead of the longest running employee. So I was forced to look at things from a different perspective as I found myself starting over. And I realized that I had spent so much time clinging to things that were unneeded, and going to these things with the goal of making others happy but not actually focusing on my own happiness. I was telling myself that I was doing my hobbies and that it should be good enough, but it wasn't really for me. I was forcing myself out of my comfort zone for brief moments of entertainment for others. My life had become this group or that group - which I am usually okay with - but I had lost control and I was working solely towards the group goals and not my own. I was slowly killing myself by trying to please everyone but myself.

A new foundation to build on. House already included.Which is good. Me building things is scary.

So this is where the crossroads comes in. I bought a new house. After years of trying to fix the place that hearkened stability, I said eff it all and walked away. Stress immediately melted away. Sure the new place has it's quirks, but there is freedom in getting to relax and experience them. I chose to stay at the job for now - it would be irresponsible to leave with a new house note anyways - but I pledged to make it clear to them that I am not a stepping stone to be walked all over. And I will leave if I feel I need to. I have already made sure to have a backup plan, instead of just conceding to the fact that I am stuck somewhere and must deal with it. It feels liberating, just knowing that I am regaining some control over my life. The months since the flood have somehow been less stressful than the years leading up to it. There is less arguing in the house, things are going better for my son with school and managing his disability, and we all seem happier. And that is the key, isn't it? So that is the promise I am making to myself for this new year. No more resolutions - just this promise. 2018 will be about my happiness. I promise to do at least one thing a day to pamper myself. To take one thing that has been making me unhappy and to change it. Because in regards to health, stability, and success, happiness is really the key to it all.